Laosy pun

So eventually a replacement bus arrived and we said a tearful goodbye to our favourite petrol station and made the ten hour trip to Hoi An. We finally made it there 24 hours after setting off, and checked into our hostel and headed down to the river for dinner.

We wandered further into the backpacker area in search of Saigon beer and met up with a few people who had been through the same torturous journey as we had for a drink and post-traumatic stress counselling session. It swiftly became apparent why we hadn't bonded on the way as we were barraged with stories by one of the most sinfully irritating girls I have ever met, throwing out conversational gems as "you should always expect to get mugged at gunpoint if you go to South America" and explaining why applying for graduate jobs was so tough. I should clarify, she was in second year at university, if she was worried about that I'm not sure what level of panic I should be at given that in a couple of weeks I'm going to have to explain why being two years out of university with no real relevant experience is actually a positive for hiring me. But hey, I guess I could always go to Brazil and become a highway man. 

All the reviews online for our hostel had praised its buffet breakfast so I was pretty excited to check it out the next day. Having honed my breakfast buffet skills in Delaware I hit it with full efficiency and ensuring value for money (don't fill up on bread, aim at the most expensive ingredients). After breakfast there was a worrying feeling in the pit of my stomach, and not due to the strange combination of noodles and cereal mixing in there.  It was due to the fact that I was about to be forced to face my arch nemesis, the bicycle, vehicle of choice for Hoi An. I tried to remember the last time I had ridden a bike and estimated it was approximately nine or ten years ago, and it involved me crashing in some woods. However, with encouragement and coaching usually reserved for 6 year olds, we rented our $1 a day bikes and set off, without the aid of any stabilisers I should add. About 50 metres down the road and around a corner we hit our first snag, and amazingly it wasn't me wrapping myself round the nearest tree. Em's bike had decided to mount a jailbreak and snap its chain. Luckily for us there was a very friendly local man sat nearby who came over to help out. He discovered we were missing a clip for the chain and set about dismantling a nearby bike for the part we needed. We like to think it was his own bike, but in hindsight I think this is wishful thinking. In all likelihood we were actually involved in the friendliest bike-jacking or chopshop transaction ever. We carried on, bolstered by the added courage given by our newly purchased beer vests and the day was plain riding from then on. We rode around the town all day, stopping for the occasional souvenir, or at one point to take photos of the historical village that you were supposed to pay entry to, but we accidentally cycled straight past the pay station, no one was going to catch my newly channeled Bradley Wiggins persona. 

That evening we checked out a couple of the bars around before heading to local club. Anyone who has seen my lack of self control at an all you can eat buffet should be able to see where this story will end. The particular bar we chose had an 'all you can' offer, but instead of dodgy pizza or salad it offered a choice of rum, vodka or gin with mixer all night. It is definitely the wording that screws me over. It isn't 'all you want to', it's 'all you CAN'. It implies a challenge. So predictably, I think I had a good time, but the buffet breakfast the next day was certainly required a lot more than the previous. 

After another day in Hoi An we headed to Hue, in order to get the subsequent bus into Laos. Annoyingly we weren't able to leave the same day, so we spent half a day wandering around an old citadel. We also said our goodbyes to John who was going to remain in Vietnam for a bit longer. 

The next morning we were picked up by the shuttle bus and met three American girls who were on the same bus to Laos as us. We arrived at the main bus and were ushered to our seats. I had clearly won seat lottery as I had managed to get a sleeper bunk with enough leg room (after I cleared out the thirty or so blankets from the footwell, and pillows starring everyone's favourite children's character Winnie the Hoop). If I was the winner of this, Em was quite clearly the loser, being forced to climb over boxes to get to her seat/hole and needed to extract a sizeable log from the seat before getting in. The rest of the bus was made up of locals, with us and the Americans as the only westerners on board. The coach was also heavily laden with boxes of goods to be dropped in random villages along the way. These were stacked in every available space, covering the entire floor space of the bus and were piled up by the hundreds behind twiggy and me, leaving us as the last line of defence for when they began falling in the middle of the night. 

We spent the majority of the journey being thoroughly confused about what was going on in the journey, particularly when we reached some form of checkpoint and one of the guys working on the bus made us hide, closing our curtains and even sitting on one of the bunks to conceal us. At one point we also stopped for food, and everyone except us sat down to tuck into food that was brought to them, whereas we had to order our own, although a local guy did give us some whiskey so that made the next part of the trip a little more enjoyable. 

The journey ended as surprisingly as it had been throughout when we were awoken at 4am having arrived at our destination, five hours earlier than we had been told. We then got a tuk tuk to the hostel the American girls were staying at, and hung around there until any breakfast places were open. We spent a few hours exploring 'Buddha Park', where there are lots of different statues, so of course we spent a while being slightly disrespectful, copying various Buddha poses etc. We then took the short trip over to Vang Vieng and prepared ourselves fully for tubing by going out and getting drunk. 

The next morning we got organised for tubing by going and buying a waterproof camera and a sealable bag for our money. For anyone who isn't aware of tubing, you basically go on a pub crawl down a river in a rubber ring. However, recently it has been toned down a lot and there are no longer rope swings or slides, which was a shame, but probably for the best. We rented our tubes and got a tuk tuk up to the start point and were told to get in. We were slightly concerned as the river was pretty fast flowing but in we plunged. The first bar was a mere 30 or so metres down, but we still almost managed to lose Em, with the person throwing out ropes to get us missing on the first attempt. We spent a while in the first pub, playing volleyball and debating the differences between a jungle and a rainforest, before heading to the second bar, which we had been promised was the best one. We made it safely across to the other side of the river and into the bar. This one featured beer pong, basketball and many mud based activities. We spent a good few hours there before going across to the third and final bar for more of the same. On the way we almost managed to lose all our money, as the string holding it around Em broke and it began to float away. Luckily she managed to grab it before it disappeared, but lost her sunglasses in the process, our main casualty of the day. The journey home was when we saw the real dangers of tubing for the first time. After assuming that the sign saying 'stop tubing' was more of a protest than an instruction, we missed the end point, but were luckily pulled to safety by some local children, rather than ending up in the sea. We then attempted to shower the layer of mud off and met some of our new tubing friends for dinner, the highlight of which was undoubtedly when twiggy ordered some form of spicy rice, but was instead presented with a coriander soup, it must be the northern accent. The remainder of the night is quite a blur but tubing was definitely a success, which was good news as we had heard rumours of its demise. 

The following day we spent most of the morning struggling through breakfast in one of the many bars along the main road that show friends on tv all  long. You can actually decide where to eat based on which series you would like. After that we took a trip to some caves and a lagoon, and spent a hungover afternoon jumping out of a tree into water. 

I'll leave the blog there for now, sorry it is a bit of an extended one, I realised I'm about 2 weeks behind schedule and on my last day out here, so the rest will have to be written with nostalgia from home. 

See ya!

I love the smell of petrol in the morning

Asian diary part two...

After our Vietcong tunnel trip we booked onto a two day trip down to the Mekong delta. It started with the usual South East Asian efficiency when too many people were booked onto the coach. This left a group of five welsh guys with nowhere to sit. Fortunately the call went out and soon a man returned with some children's plastic stools for them. Not a comfortable three hour journey for them I can't imagine. 

We cruised along the delta on a small boat, led by our part tour guide, part terrible stand up comedian An. We visited a coconut candy factory and a honey tea shop where I believe the idea was people would purchase some of the wares. We did not, but that didn't stop us sampling our fair share of them. We also went to a cafe where we sat awkwardly as Vietnamese women sang traditional songs to us, and also a bizarre rendition of if you're happy and you know it and auld lang syne. 

The four of us and a German guy were the only five to have opted for the home stay accommodation option, and after this was established, we were unceremoniously dumped on the side of the state highway. We were forced to then cross it on foot to a group of awaiting mopeds. However, there weren't enough for all of us to go at once, so John, the German (Jan), and I hopped on the back of them, and sped off, leaving Emily and Alex in the safe hands of an eleven and thirteen year old, next to one of the busiest roads in Vietnam. My driver had clearly decided that it was a race to the home stay and promptly overtook the other drivers, several cows and terrified pedestrians. I arrived a good ten minutes before the others and waited patiently for them to slowly arrive. 

Em and Alex turned up with a good story. After waiting about three minutes, the kids decided they could guide people home and set off with instructions to follow. After detouring to play hide and seek in some half-built houses, which sounded a lot like Alex just chasing children about, they finally joined us for dinner. 

The youngest child, Can, became our guide, translator and entertainment for the evening, controlling card games, magic tricks and generally being very amusing. We had an early start the next day and rejoined the rest of our tour group to visit a floating market. However, this turned out not to be the quaint affair we were expecting, with small boats taking you to shops selling hand-made souvenirs etc. Instead we were taken to a wholesale fruit and veg market, not quite what we had been led to believe. 

The end of the trip was as haphazard as the beginning, after sampling local delicacies for lunch (rat), we were split up on our coaches home after much shouting and one bus driver just giving up and leaving. We arrived back in Ho Chi Minh and prepared for what was sure to be a horrible night bus experience to dalat. How wrong we were. The bus was on time, modern and comfortable. We each had a bunk bed seat and, despite the wail of the greatest hits of boney M in the background, we all managed to get some sleep, arriving in the mountains of Dalat, refreshed and ready to explore. 

Dalat is a cool little place with plenty of waterfalls to explore nearby. Unfortunately, the transport method of choice is a moped. For those not aware of my checkered past with the common bicycle, it is not what could be described as a match made in heaven. Having decided that it wasn't for me, John kindly agreed to let me be his passenger, whilst twigs and Em braved it alone. This went about as well as expected to begin with, with twiggy managing to fall off in the first five minutes and us all getting separated at the first roundabout. However, from then on it was plain sailing, with everyone taking to mopeds like a duck to pancakes, I had even managed to get the hang of 'leaning', to prevent my added weight from toppling the bike over on every corner. We stopped at the biggest waterfall nearby and had a look around. There was a disappointing toboggan ride there and an unnecessary cable car, but the waterfall was reasonably pretty. After watching the other three novices take to riding the bike, as easily as, well, riding a bike, I thought the car park of the waterfall would be the ideal place to try my hand at it. I gave it a good go, making it almost five meters before stalling it, failing to turn, and putting my feet on the floor and giving up. The hell's angels shouldn't expect my application any time soon. In the car park of the next waterfall we met a group of fellow travellers and we decided to form our own motorcycle gang and head to a further out site. After only a few stops to check the map we made it, and it was definitely worth it. We climbed all the way up through the waterfall to stand under its main torrent which was incredible. The journey back was also eventful, we ended up driving along a toll highway, where mopeds are not allowed. This led to some sketchy moment whenever a car drove past, none of us wanting to end up in a Vietnamese prison. Luckily the fact that I was a passenger rather than a driver enabled me to focus on scenery rather than the road, and I managed to spot a small side road through a village that we darted down and avoided the police blockade by about 500m. 

We have decided that unfortunately Dalat is not really a dog-friendly environment. Having witnessed one get run over on one day, the following day we saw one for sale on the side of the road. This dog was evidentially not just for Christmas, it was clearly for Sunday dinner, being as it was cut up into small sections. 

Our next bus to nha trang was also decent enough and we made it there in the early evening and headed out. After a few signature buckets and cocktails its kind of hard to say what happened the rest of the evening. The only things I can be sure of is that twigs and myself managed to get lost on the one street route home, accosted by prostitutes trying to pickpocket us, and offered a wide variety of the finest drug offerings nha trang could muster. The next day was predictably lethargic, lazing on the beach all day. And in true British fashion managed to crisp up at the first sign of sun. 

That evening we had a night bus to Hoi  An. We had nothing to fear, we were experienced night-busserers (new word) by now, what could possibly go wrong. Well, it turns out, everything. Whilst the back rows of most school buses are reserved for the cool kids, the back row of a sleeper bus is clearly reserved for anorexics who don't feel heat. But alas, we were the lucky winners of seat roulette, and that's where we ended up. Crammed in alongside each other, the four of us (plus a random Vietnamese man) settled in to try and sleep through the thunderstorm outside, whilst not succumbing to heat exhaustion. At the top of one of the large hills outside of nha trang we hit some issues, namely the bus being unable to make it any further, and the clutch smelling very badly. However, it seemed to make it through okay, and we made it down the mountainside slowly but surely, and came to a stop in a petrol station in the middle of nowhere. No problem, we thought, a routine toilet stop and we all piled off the bus. However, soon it became clear all was not well. It turns out at the top of the hill the clutch had completely given in, and we had actually just coasted downhill for almost an hour. A mechanic was called, no one came. A replacement bus was ordered, to no avail. The highlight of this wait was when the group above us awoke two hours into our delay after a valium induced sleep, and were hilariously disorientated, serves them right for spilling coke on me four times that night. All in all we spent a total of twelve hours in this petrol station, so long in fact we actually witnessed it change ownership and put up new signs and branding. By the end we had all developed a soft spot for. With its angry mosquitos, complete lack of any food or drinks and outside toilets. Sure it was a dilapidated old craphole, but it was ours. Ask anyone who has travelled Asia, you haven't seen anything until you see the sunrise over a petrol pump. That my friends, is real Vietnam. 

A Twigiot abroad

Hello everyone,

Sorry it has taken so long for me to write the first Asian blog. One of the big differences of travelling in a group is you have less spare time, there is always something to do!

My Asian adventure began with my trip to the exotic isles of Manchester to meet up with Alex. I was up there a few days in advance and ended up going to his cousins surprise birthday party. I think that this has given me an idea for future surprise parties, there should always be someone there that no one has a clue who they are, and ideally they should be stood front and centre for the big surprise shout. What could be more of a surprise than that?

We met emily in Manchester airport and had the customary Brits on tour pre-flight beers. We headed to the plane feeling more than a little merry and boarded. I'd managed to get an exit row seat away from Alex and Emily in order to survive the long flight without my knees in my chin. However, the others kindly negotiated with a man next to them to swap with me, at least their hearts were in the right place, unlike my knees which were lodged firmly into the reclined seat in front. 

After some severe confusion at Bangkok airport we got a train and taxi to our hotel and met John who had flown in from Hong Kong and went out to see the sights of Kao San road. The rest of the evening was comprised of drinking cheap beers and trying the local delicacies, fried scorpion being the most unusual (although the distinct lack of it in restaurants does suggest it is little more than a tourist trap). 

The following day we wandered around Bangkok and found a park to walk around, added a monitor lizard to the list of exotic animals I've seen on my trip. That evening, we hit Kao San Road again and sampled a few of the signature buckets. We also visited the famous ping pong shows of Bangkok, and it was unsurprisingly horrific and traumatic!

The following day twiggy did his best to convince us that he was dying, gaining sympathy from Em, but nothing but abuse from me and John.  Our stay in Bangkok ended early the next day as we braved the horror stories of Thai trains and took a 6 hour trip to the Cambodian border. It was surprisingly manageable, even when a Thai lady fell asleep on my shoulder. The whole trip cost one pound as well, so can't really complain there! By far the highlight of the trip though was when we got dropped off by our bus 5km from town and told it couldn't go further and we needed to get on one of the waiting tuk-tuks. However, the majority of the passengers were very unhappy with this so led a revolt and the entire bus refused and began to walk into town. It was clear that this was a shock to the drivers who quickly mounted up and chased us down the road offering us cheaper rides and promising of we carried on walking we would die. But of course, we remained loyal to our fellow travellers and continued walking, for about 30 seconds before taking up the offer. There is no loyalty amongst travellers. 

In Cambodia we visited many temples, including Angkor Wat for sunrise. However, due to cloud cover we didn't get to experience the sun actually rise which was a shame. After two days of templing (new word invented) we had begun to suffer from temple fatigue and so now are pretty reluctant to see any more. I managed to make it until the very last temple before I hit my head pretty badly, so it could have been a lot worse. We also sampled a traditional Khmer massage, which if I'm honest involved a bit too much of them hitting me for my liking. Nothing says relax like being slapped by a Cambodian lady. 

One of the best experiences in siem reap was after a night out in the town, waking up early to hear twiggy telling us a drawn out story about how he had woken up in a different hostel surrounded by chickens. Luckily John was on hand to explain that this had categorically not happened, as he had walked home with him!

We also visited Phnom Penh in Cambodia and saw the killing fields and prisons of pol pot, not a lot of scope for comedy there really but it was very interesting. 

We left Cambodia for Vietnam, arriving in Ho Chi Minh. From there we went on a tour of the cu chi tunnels of the Vietcong which was great. We had a tour from an ex-soldier and got to go in the original tunnels used there. He sent me down the smallest tunnel first, presumably to show the rest of the group that if I could fit, everyone else could as well. I was feeling okay about heading down on my own until he passed me the worlds most pathetic torch and said I couldn't go in without it. He also warned me not to go too far or else I would be lost forever, so it was slightly more nervy than anticipated. We also went into some tunnels they have made slightly wider for tourists to use, emphasis on 'slightly'. We still had to crawl on hands and knees for the majority of it. We also got to fire an ak47 in a shooting range which was pretty cool. 

I think I'll leave the blog there as otherwise I think I will lose the majority of my loyal readers to boredom. Ill try and write the next one soon, as a little trailer it will contain stories such as, how I rode a moped for 5 meters, climbed a waterfall and spent 12 hours in a Vietnamese petrol station. Tune in next time!